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Friend.Chocoholic.Tantrum-thrower.Child.Woman.Whatever !!!!!!!!

Miss you Bhaiya

with 19 comments

As those of you who drop by regularly now know that I lost my brother in an accident when I was 16. I don’t talk about because I find it very difficult to do so. Maybe its easier when I write about it.

It was the 29th of November 1999. It was a normal day. My IInd semester exams were going on – only 2 papers left. Bhaiya (my elder brother by 4 years and 3 months) had promised to take me for a movie after my exams were over. I had a break that day and woke up a little late. In my school days 7 am was late for me. I was a very early riser then – just couldn’t stay in bed after about 5 – 5:30 am (very different now), so I used to be his official alarm clock. He had some class that morning and he got late leaving from home because I didn’t wake him up on time. We had a quick two minute fight and he left. I settled down to reading the paper and eating breakfast with Baba (father). Ma was getting ready to leave for office. Someone rang the doorbell and gave us my uncle’s driving license which he had found on the road. We got a little worried since they had gone on a family vacation to Digha or somewhere. This was before the days of cell phones. We spoke to my grandmom and she said they had reached there safe and sound and we had a good laugh and my dad was contemplating how to take his younger brother’s case that he had lost his driving license. Just then the phone rang and we got a call asking if this was Surojit Maulick’s house. My mom had picked up and she replied in the affirmative saying she was his mother. Suddenly she screamed and started crying. My dad and I looked at her wondering what happened and she managed to blabber something about some accident and some boy being found on the road with some notebook that had his name and phone number in it. We rushed around frantically wondering what to do and then decided to go to the concerned police station. The rest of the day went in a haze. We worked on autopilot mode for the following months.

Somehow its not yet sunk in that he’s gone. 9 whole long years. I still think that we’l have some miraculous Bollywood ending and we’l meet somewhere suddenly singing ‘Yaadon ki baarat nikli hai aaj dil ke dwaare’. Actually knowing us we’d probably be singing ‘Manu bhai motor gaadi chale rum pum pum’. I used to bug him with that song. I used to bug him a lot. I was the quintessential annoying younger sister. I used to boss around him alot and he was so sweet he’s let me do it. We fought alot too but dare the parents say anything to any of us. We used to gang up against them. We had also divided the foods between us. He was very fond on chole and I was very fond of rajma. He loved payesh (kheer/ a rice pudding) and I loved ghono doodh (something like rabri/ a milk based pudding). He taught me to keep my arms close to my body when I was jumping off the diving board and also how to ride a cycle. He sat me on the cycle and pushed me down a slope. Onetime it had poured and poured and the area around our house was flooded and I really wanted to go out in the pouring rain which obviously my mom was not very much in favour of, she finally let me go only when he said he’l take me. He bought me a black and blue batik kurta with his first salary from some summer thing he had done, for the Pujas in 1999. I stopped wearing it ages ago, but I still have it in my cupboard. He took me to see my board results. Being a teenage girl and a good Calcuttan, I had to bargain for everything which used to really bug him.

I remember people telling me to be strong for my parents. I tried. Don’t know if I was successful. We stopped talking of him at home cuz it upset all of us. One of us would always end up crying and that would start the rest of us as well. We couldn’t bear to have a photo of him anywhere so we banished all his stuff, clothes, posters, shoes, photos, any sign of him inside a cupboard.

When I got to college, I had nothing of his to remind me except some photos and my batik kurta, and I put them at the bottom of my huge green suitcase since I didn’t want anyone stumbling on it accidentally. I started keeping a fast on 22nd March (his birthday) and 29th November each year which I would then break with something he liked to eat. Those of you who knew I fasted on those days had the courtesy and staunch friendship not to ask why I kept it, but acknowledge and respect the fact that I kept it. Each year one of my friends would cut his cake a few minutes before midnight on 22nd March so that I could eat it. Its only today that we do talk about him a little.

Today its been 9 long years. I missed him terribly when I wanted him to meet Arjun and give his approval. I felt his absence the most when I got married. I know I shall feel his absence when I have children and at every twist and turn of my life. And you know the worst part, I remember his face vividly, but for the life of me I can’t remember his voice.


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Written by SupMM

November 28, 2008 at 4:31 am

Posted in Uncategorized

19 Responses

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  1. a lil release.. even though it has come after 9 years will do you a world of good

    Arjun

    November 28, 2008 at 11:41 am

  2. Release in what sense?

    SMM

    November 28, 2008 at 11:45 am

  3. I dunno wht to say……i cant say anything coz i m too overwhelmed and i knw u must hav wept after writing this post. I hav an elder brother too and i knw wht u must b missing….i hope u r feeling better after talking abt this after such a long time. God has his strange ways…and we can never understand tht!!

    Ria

    November 28, 2008 at 11:47 am

  4. As you know, I understand what you are experiencing. This is a beautiful tribute to your brother, who really is still with you and who I’m sure watches over you even though he’s not “there.” I think when you talk about him, you give him a kind of life again. I think when the time comes and you share your memories and stories of your brother with your children and others you will find that he is still very alive in your heart and in you. He sounds like he was a wonderful brother. I’m glad that you had him for as long as you did.

    I always try to do something life-affirming on the anniversary of my sister’s murder. It has helped me to do that as fasting has helped you. I’m glad that you wrote about him. Thank you for sharing both the pain of your loss and the beauty of your love.

    Raven

    November 28, 2008 at 6:03 pm

  5. I spent half an hour in front of the comment section of ur blog trying to figure it out what to write, i m not good at it and i usually skip when i can (so my apologies in advance) therefore i felt that i should wrote something. I can t put myself in ur position since I never suffer from ur loss, but my mum recently lost her best friend, she died from a cancer, I guess loosing somebody it s not easy, the closer u are from that person the harder it is. I m sure it is hard for u not to remember his voice but at least u can still remember him.
    *virtual hugs*
    tc

    Cess

    November 29, 2008 at 7:10 am

  6. Never had a brother, but felt so sad and touched on reading your post. I’ve always heard that girls adore their elder brothers and look up to them. God bless your brother’s soul. And you too.

    Keep writing.

    writerzblock

    November 29, 2008 at 6:39 pm

  7. A sibling I always beleive is a part of your soul. Im really sorry for your loss, even though my words may be 9 years later. But when I remember a loved one who not physically here with me, I think of the good times, and the smile on their faces would be the way I think they are living somewhere else right now

    Anu

    November 30, 2008 at 2:38 am

  8. I agree with arjun,
    think its good that you have..release in prolly writing all of this. Expressing yourself, Supposed to do feel good. Does it?

    The Brown Mamba

    November 30, 2008 at 2:36 pm

  9. * hugs real tight *

    Somehow I feel a lil responsible/guilty for this blogcatharsis (wanted or unwanted) because of what I wrote on my blog a few days back. I was hardly ten that time, but I still miss Dada. Like I said I cannot remember how he looked. There are only pictures of you and him together when you were young, in one of the old family albums at home. I remember those events of that day quite vividly. I wish I knew why. And now I know why we don’t have pictures of him in BB 97.
    * hugs again * takecare.

    Moon Strummer

    November 30, 2008 at 7:02 pm

  10. Ria, everyone says God does everything for a reason. Even after 9 years I fail to see what good could be behind this. Maybe because my brother was such a good person that God called him up early. That’s all that i can think of.

    SMM

    December 1, 2008 at 4:30 am

  11. Raven, thanks. I thank you because if I had not read what you had written about your sister, maybe I would never have been able to open up myself.

    SMM

    December 1, 2008 at 4:32 am

  12. Cess, I guess loosing anyone close to you suddenly is tragic and difficult to deal with. Thanks for writing in, knowing how hard it is to say something in these kind of posts. I tr to skip them I find it too hard to say anything which can lessen the pain even marginally

    SMM

    December 1, 2008 at 4:34 am

  13. Thanks Pallavi…I don’t know about others, but I sure looked upto mine

    SMM

    December 1, 2008 at 4:35 am

  14. Anu, thanks for your words. I try doing that too. I imagine him up as a star int he sky looking down at me.

    SMM

    December 1, 2008 at 4:36 am

  15. Brown Mamba, fell good I don’t know? But its as if a weight in my heart has become much lighter

    SMM

    December 1, 2008 at 4:37 am

  16. Thanks kiddo. Next time when we’r both in Cal, we’l dig out some old photos of his to show you. Howzzat?

    SMM

    December 1, 2008 at 4:37 am

  17. Absolutely. 🙂

    Moon Strummer

    December 1, 2008 at 12:13 pm

  18. Don’t have anything to say.

    Just want to give u a big hug and send a prayer out for your brother and your family.

    chandni

    December 3, 2008 at 7:52 am

  19. Thanks Chandni 🙂

    SMM

    December 6, 2008 at 6:19 am


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