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Friend.Chocoholic.Tantrum-thrower.Child.Woman.Whatever !!!!!!!!

B for Backstabbing, Backbiting, Bitching

with 23 comments

This is something I have never done. Today I shall thank A for teaching me so much about my life. I learnt about backbiters, backstabbers and bitches in my very first year of college.

A & me became very good friends in our 1st year. Being in Pune, away from family, missing familiar faces, we shared confidences and were joint at the hip. We were even called the Siamese twins sometimes. I was staying in a hostel at that time where I hated the food while she was staying with her sister (who was working) and they had brought a maid from home to cook and clean etc. Since her sister was working and I hated the food, I would most of the time end up eating home-cooked food at her place. We shared lots of confidences and told each other which guys we liked and what we would do to get asked out by them. Though we such good friends, I also soon made other friends – I had my hostel gang and my college gang and Bong gang and train gang, while A would always want to be with me. What I did not realize (I feel very stupid in hindsight) is that she was slowly trying to poison their minds against me since she was jealous of my friendship with others. When I realized her possessiveness, I explained to her that though I did have other friends she would be my best friend always and that she need not worry about hem. A always had lots of money to throw around – she would think nothing of walking into the really expensive shops and purchase a pair of sandals for 3000 bucks (something which I till date would think 20 times before I do so) while I would be thrilled with the 80 buck rope sandals I picked up from Hong Kong lane (No we did not go to Hong Kong – that was the lane for all the accessory shopping in Pune for college students). I was thrilled when my cousin came down to Pune one weekend and bought me a Wrangler jacket (which I still have though I have outgrown it now). I was naive (I’d like to believe so) enough to brush of her barbed comment about my worthless sandals that had not been bought for a 4-figure amount were completely ughhhhhh or that my bag (again from Hong Kong) was oh so cheappppp. She would bitch about others to me and I would tell her not to always talk negative about others. I had never seen all this before (despite being in a girl’s school for 7 years) and did not recognize what this was all about and also did not want to lose her friendship. She told me tales of how the hottest dudes in college would message her all night and beg her for a date while she was spending all her time with me, and how the guy whom I really liked had asked her out for a date. I had just come from home and one night being very upset shared with her certain tings which I did not want others to know. Its not that I am ashamed, I just don’t think everyone needs to everything about me.
Anyway the end to the longwinding tale is that she bitched about me to my other friends , turned them against me, told the guy I really liked that I was a neurotic bitch and was apparently seeing this other guy who was in fact just a good friend (cliched but true). This went on until I suddenly realized that I had become alienated from my friends excepting for a few though I couldn’t understand why. One fine day in my 2nd year, one of her friends told me we needed to talk. Since I had never really spoken to him much I was wondering what he wanted to talk about and there was no way would I go on a date with him. it’s he who told me that A had been going around telling the others about what I had apparently bitched about them (when it was actually her who had said it) and how I made very sarcastic comments about them and their families (I may make a comment at you yes, but your family never), how I was two-timing and even three-timing guy which is why I never had the time to meet my own friends etc etc. I can’t even tell you how shell shocked I was to hear about this. I asked the guy how could I trust him. He said he had observed me for sometime and had figured that I was the person who if she had to say anything about anyone would say it to their face and not behind their back. He took me to meet the others who all confirmed what she had said. I was just so shocked and upset by what she had said. Everyone wanted to confront her. I told them to go ahead if they wanted but to keep me out of it. I told them I appreciated them and their friendship but this is something I needed to do alone. I did it. Unfortunately or maybe smartly I should say, she started crying and told me I was the bitch who had listened to what others had said about my one true friend and how noone liked me but tolerated me because of her. Sounds stupid today, but back in college it was a huuuuge big thing for me. I am glad that I saw sense and just left. After that I avoided her and when asked by anyone else about what went wrong, I told them that I didn’t like people who did not know the meaning of friendship.
My Dad told me that if someone makes you feel bad about yourself, if its true then listen to them and if its not, then just immediately cut them off from my social circle. He also told me that i would not always have the option to cut them out of my life completely then to keep them at arm’s length distance, talk about the weather and cricket with them and nothing more, nothing less and for not more than 5 minutes. today this is what I do in my professional life. I can;t cut out the backstabbers and backbiters unfortunately so I just keep to myself and carry on superficial conversation with them.
So today how I handle myself among the professionals in backbiting, backstabing and bitching is what I learnt in my experience with A, which is why I thank her.


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Written by SupMM

August 29, 2008 at 9:37 am

Posted in Uncategorized

23 Responses

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  1. hi.. this is A… not the same A though!!

    I can empathize with you on what are definitely eye opening experiences….

    i follow the 499 principle when dealing with such situations… will tell you all about it sometime!

    Stay happy… don’t worry about these trivial pursuits!

    Arjun

    August 29, 2008 at 11:35 am

  2. I don’t worry about it anymore but at that time it was tough.Anyway that’s exactly what I’m say that I learnt from it

    SMM

    August 29, 2008 at 1:33 pm

  3. hmm so true!i can totally relate to this coz i hav faced the same thing. And i thank such ppl in my life too coz they leave us with important lessons tht help us thruout our lives!! they teach us tht v shud never blindly trust anyone and v shud always keep our eyes and ears open.

    Ria

    August 29, 2008 at 4:37 pm

  4. Smm..

    Hope your ankle has healed well now..and I totally agree with you..any friend who tries to put you down with the tag “Im being frank”, is best avoided.. A true friend is one who never discusses you with other friends..once they do, cut them out.. which is the best way

    Anu

    August 29, 2008 at 5:34 pm

  5. A hard life lesson – but seems that it has served you well. I’ve had similar experiences. Empathic people tend to pull the crazy of the world into their orbits much of the time.

    Sorry about your ankle. Hope it has healed by now.

    Raven

    August 30, 2008 at 5:20 am

  6. This post has been written at a very apt time. I am glad you brought up the fact that all this was okay in college but seems a bit childish now. I know of some people who never outgrown this. It almost seems like their life is not complete without bitching or backbiting, and turning people against each other, no matter what age they are at. I truly believe that in the end TRUTH PREVAILS. So no matter how much dirt people throw at you, bitch about you, lie and make false accusations, ultimately, the wise ones are going to know who was being dramatic and who was made victim.

    Like your attitude!

    Solitaire

    August 30, 2008 at 6:33 am

  7. Ria: I completely agree. Everyone we meet teaches us something – whether they intend to or not

    SMM

    August 30, 2008 at 6:42 am

  8. Anu: Hey thanks for asking. My ankle is much better now but still hobbling around. Its going to take some more time I guess.

    What you said is so true. A true friend is one who can tell me what I need to hear on my face and not behind my back. If anyone comes and tells me something on my face I will feel bad why that person did so, but I would also appreciate it that she said it to my face.

    SMM

    August 30, 2008 at 6:44 am

  9. Raven: Hey thanks for asking. My ankle is much better now but still hobbling around. another day or two and I should be fine 🙂

    A hard – learnt lesson but one which has served me well. I am an extrovert. I cannot not stop talkig to people, but now I take my time in trusting them

    SMM

    August 30, 2008 at 6:45 am

  10. Sol: Some ppl never outgrow this – true. But then again if there is an issue between people, and they do value each other’s friendship then my opinion is that they should just sit across the table and talk things out, and if they don’t value each other then just go their own separate ways.

    SMM

    August 30, 2008 at 6:47 am

  11. totally agree with u SMM..great post at an apt time in Blogville too 🙂

    **My Dad told me that if someone makes you feel bad about yourself, if its true then listen to them and if its not, then just immediately cut them off from my social circle

    Ur dad is really wise!

    Wut some ppl fail to do is, ADMIT that they back-bite. Even after college, Uni and Work! And that so v sad.

    **But then again if there is an issue between people, and they do value each other’s friendship then my opinion is that they should just sit across the table and talk things out, and if they don’t value each other then just go their own separate ways

    I like wut u said there…sit n talk…come out with the truth than just pretending ur always RIGHT!

    Some ppl never get that. They always thinks others r being dramatic, childish and psycho.

    Its sad that some ppl think the world is their lab.

    Love this post…kudos to ya for bringing it up SMM!

    keshi.

    Keshi

    August 31, 2008 at 6:39 am

  12. Worse some ppl laugh at others, other cultures, lifestyles in the open! I hv seen that in Blogville too..heavu bitching and back-biting in Shoutboxes! Shame on em.

    Keshi.

    Keshi

    August 31, 2008 at 6:40 am

  13. Keshi: Some people just can’t help bitching. It’s a part of their nature. I will not say i’m a saint who does not bitch once in a while. But I would never want to intentionally hurt anyone with it.

    SMM

    September 1, 2008 at 4:44 am

  14. That’s true Keshi…shame on ’em. But maybe they can’t help it. That is the only one thing they talk about. They have no other topic in common 😛

    SMM

    September 1, 2008 at 4:45 am

  15. ue right..they just dun even realise it cos maybe it’s in their blood.

    Keshi.

    Keshi

    September 1, 2008 at 4:50 am

  16. Keshi: Welllllllll….like I said for some its second nature so they don’t even realize that what they think is harmless gossip is actually bitching

    SMM

    September 1, 2008 at 5:09 am

  17. @ SMM,

    I think true friends do not really do the backbiting bit. At least, I do not. And I do not think my friends do that of me. If they do, then they are not friends to begin with. So yes, you are right in a way. They should go separate ways and at least not pretend to be friends.

    Solitaire

    September 1, 2008 at 5:12 am

  18. Sol that’s exactly what I’m saying. A true would not bitch about me. if she had some issue with me she’d say it on my face and not behind my back. if she said it behind my back ,t hen she is not my true friend. And if she is not a true friend then I’d rather just keep my distance from her and instead spend time with my true friends and make some new friends as well 🙂

    SMM

    September 1, 2008 at 5:16 am

  19. **like I said for some its second nature

    SMM yeah…and for me, thats hard to believe..cos its so sad when ppl r like that.

    Keshi.

    Keshi

    September 1, 2008 at 5:18 am

  20. **and how I made very sarcastic comments about them and their families (I may make a comment at you yes, but your family never),

    SMM some ppl always do that. They take the dirty work they do, and turn it on you…as if u did them.

    Even in blogville, some ppl hv written hurtful posts aimed at me, claiming they r doing the society a service. Instead they were aiming to hurt me with their words…its so sad that such ppl find no end to their evilness.

    Just ignore em..cos in the end, its THEM who need real help, not us!

    Keshi.

    Keshi

    September 1, 2008 at 5:22 am

  21. Keshi: Not everyone is like you and me. We may not hit someone with their family, but for some it is the done thing. This is how they fight because that’s all they know. the world is an ugly place because of people like these

    SMM

    September 1, 2008 at 5:31 am

  22. true…to drag FAMILY into it. Thats so classless!

    Keshi.

    Keshi

    September 1, 2008 at 5:34 am

  23. That is completely below the belt

    SMM

    September 1, 2008 at 5:44 am


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